The Unwritten Rules #1: Making Friends in France
How Cultural Norms Shape First Impressions
We were sitting in the grass at Buttes-Chaumont having a picnic. My American friends were chatting with and asking my French friend questions like they’d known her for years. I remember thinking, “I knew they’d like each other, but this is going even better than I thought it would.”
A few weeks later, my French friend told me that her feelings were hurt.
The Misunderstanding
I thought we all had a great time. One of my American friends even told me how this picnic and meeting the French friend were the highlight of her trip. To me, it was a success. I didn’t expect my American friends to send her messages and follow up. My French friend was having fun at the time, but based on my friends’ friendly behavior, she felt like they bonded and expected that day to turn into friendships.
We treated the interaction as a fun moment, but she thought it was the start of new friendships.
Americans are perceived as being shallow, and I understand why now. We act “nice” and it feels inauthentic. Maybe it is. We’re taught to ask a lot of questions and make someone feel special. We’re performing the interaction in the moment, but not considering the future of this connection. And that’s exactly what happened, and why my French friend was hurt. We created false expectations by asking personal questions, acting invested, and then disappearing. I thought we were being nice and friendly, but we were actually being careless with my French friend and her feelings.
Patterns of Behavior
“Treat others as you want to be treated” doesn’t always translate across cultures, as I’ve learned. I love when someone is warm and friendly with me, asks a lot of questions, and is a little over the top. I can’t expect that from people, and I can’t treat people like that. I’ve learned to tone it down, not ask questions that are too deep or personal on the first meeting, and be careful with compliments because they can feel insincere from a stranger.
I don’t have a lot of French friends, and that’s my fault. I’ve met many cool people that I had good conversations with, but they’ve mostly led to dead ends. I’m guilty of saying, “We should hang out sometime,” asking for someone’s number, and then never messaging them. Saying we should hang out, then asking for their phone number is a direct invitation and of course their expectation is that I’m going to text them and propose a concrete meetup.
Slowly Improving
I’ve changed my behavior and the way that I interact. When I’m first meeting someone, I don’t ask them too many personal questions and act like I’ve known them all my life. I’ve stopped acting interested unless I intend on following up and deepening the friendship. I’m also more careful with my words. If I want to meet someone again, I’ll propose something specific with a time, date, and location rather than the vague, “Let’s hang out sometime.”
I had to learn to choose between having fun in the moment and giving the wrong impression, or being more accurate about my words and behavior in order to signal my true intentions. It’s actually not nice to ask someone a lot of questions, make them feel like you’ve known them forever, and make them feel special if you don’t have any intentions in having a second conversation in the future. In this context it’s basically leading people on and this over the top friendliness has consequences - it causes confusion and hurt feelings.